All Planets in Direct Motion

Here's some interesting astrology for you. From December 25th's Full Moon in Cancer GMT 11:11am, yes, you saw that correctly, 11:11) we have All Planets in Direct Motion for 11 days, till the 5th January 2016. (yes, 11 days)

Previously, astrologers would simply mark a chart 'zero retrogrades', however an astrologer, Stephanie Forest, recently saw it in a different way. Rather than zero retrogrades, what she saw was All Planets in Direct Motion. ALL planets moving in sync and harmony together and in the same direction. This only happens at seemingly random times and for differing lengths of time. 

What are these windows of time for? 

How amazing is the ability to look with new eyes, interpret something in a different way and open up a new world of ideas?

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL PLANETS DIRECT MOTION™
1. We can consider acceleration, movement and velocity as intrinsic to APDM timings, and observe or apply core potential.
2. We can open to discovery, information and/or messages during APDM.
3. We can meditate and/or dance together, or individually, apply timing and conscious focus to conceive new ideas, organic cures, set the intention, visioning.
4. We can BLOG our thoughts, observations and feelings before, during and after APDM cycles, checking for similar themes.
5. We can take note of apparent APDM themes including faith, confidence, determination.
6. It takes a Village to unpack APDM. our combined participation makes a difference. in fact APDM is all about global participation during the approaching Aquarian Age.
7. We can co-create an enlightening experience through a collective vision for the future of humanity.

Read more - http://allplanetsdirect.com/

The Shamanic Artist

The Shamanic Artist by Cat Hawkins

"It has taken me almost as long to to call myself a shaman (or rather, class what I do as shamanic) as it has to call myself an artist. You never feel that you could possibly be on such a path... surely that kind of thing is for fairytale.  Then you realise there is much power and symbolism in the things you see around you, the things that come into your mind and heart, the messages that flow through you and manifest in colour and shape, and they are the only things that excite you and make sense! Following a Shamanic path brings as many doubts and challenges as it does when you follow a path in the arts.  Few people take you seriously or understand what you do, quite often you're not even quite sure what it is you do!  You can find yourself wishing you were just happy and content in a 'normal' job as it would be much more reliable and straight forward.  Art? Spirituality? Shamanism? not exactly the easiest paths to take.

Being a shaman, working shamanically, means being fully present, living your truth and walking your talk.  It calls you to find your authentic self.  It calls you to help others and to share your gifts. As an artist, I feel the same level of calling.  My art has been the one true and centred voice throughout all my years of finding myself.  It helped to unravel and sort through the intense mix of emotions and problems I have had.  My art is as important to me as my spirituality, my beliefs and my healing.  I look back over my life and I see a dark time.  Many people who come to shamanism do so after or during a difficult time in their life.  For me, it was depression, a hormone disorder, anger and childhood trauma.  Over the years of illness and depression, when life felt it was too hard and unbearable, I would draw, paint and create.  I had not been able to finish my degree at art college due to the birth of my second child, but decided that art was at least one subject you could do without going to college.  Leaving university gave me the freedom to experiment with my art, try new things. I have always loved mandalas, folk art, symbolic and abstract art, and anything to do with colour healing and symbolism.  In fact, over the years of self study into witchcraft, paganism, tarot, colour healing and seasonal festivals, I had developed quite a knowledge and passion for symbols and correspondences..."

To read the rest of this article, please click HERE.

To my friends...

(written to the friends close to me in real life and on Facebook...  wanted to share here with a wider audience and explain why I have been a bit quiet with posts, and why I may not have responded to messages/emails recently)

The whole month of March has been a struggle. This past week being (hopefully) the lowest I could get.

Lots of you, my friends, have been worried, and I feel terrible for worrying you or causing any of you upset. This guilt often means I start to spiral inwards even more, and the negative feelings grow. It has been a long time since I have written like this, but I feel it's the only way to try and help myself, and others, understand.

As most of you know, I have a mood/hormone disorder... at least, that's how you will understand it in the 'normal' way. The label Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder is something I am trying to move away from, but it's the easier label to give when trying to explain what I go through. It's medical. It's a real disorder. No one knows what causes it or how best to treat it. It's still not widely known about, or should I say, it's widely misdiagnosed as bipolar, borderline personality disorder, depression... Many sufferers feel schizophrenic, although, unlike schizophrenia, we rarely lose all concept of one personality in favour of the other, but rather stay in state of transition, the battle, the fight between two aspects of the self. We also tend to remain consciously aware of all our actions even when we feel like we have no control over them. PMDD cycles are monthly and therefore, when the symptoms are particularly bad, they can really take their toll on your physical and mental health.

So I have that going on... I hit challenging times almost every month, but since coming off all medications etc I have got a much better hold on this. I have learned how to manage my month, my LIFE, around it. I know my energy changes and fluctuates. There are better times of the month for socialising and times when I have to hide away. I know my cycle well, and can predict when I will have enough energy to go out and be social and when I will be struggling with tiredness and need to rest.

This week however, I was not at a point in my cycle when I should be going through this stuff. Day 7 is usually a time of increasing energy, busy-ness, lots of ideas and planning.. becoming more social etc I had had a particularly crap cycle anyway, coupled with my birthday, which this year I was really not up for celebrating.. the 'depression' had started right back then. The negativity swallowed me up. I couldn't see the point in trying. I was easily angered, wound up, hurt, upset... I did a lot of shouting and stamping about. When these times happen, it's like I have left my body and am outside watching everything unfold. I upset my children... I pushed my man away. I rejected my friends offers of help. The negative thoughts tell me that it's all false. No one really wants to help. Everyone is judging. People think I am weird, a pain in the ass, over dramatic... it's like I can hear all the sighs of everyone when they see another negative status message. Even with lots of PMDD friends around, who I know will understand, I can't connect. I can't talk.

It's like being bound, gagged, blindfolded and thrown into a pit of terror. We would call this dysphoria, which is commonly known to include persecutory feelings and suicidal tendencies.

For 4 days I barely ate a thing. I went from not being able to get out of bed despite sleeping for hours and hours, to being unable to sleep and staying up all night. I couldn't deal with the kids. By the end of the week they were both avoiding me and trying to stay out of my way. Rhiannon doing an amazing job of being a stand in mum for Fae while I am emotionally unavailable. All of it kills me emotionally.. I do and say things I normally wouldn't. It makes me feel like a terrible person...

I've had uncontrollable flashbacks to times in my life when I was going through hell, all the emotions from those times surface. I rid myself of one thought only to be bombarded with more negative imagery and feelings. Feelings of panic and palpitations which can last all day. Fear of having to leave the house and face anyone was too much and I spent a lot of time in the dark, in my bedroom. Thoughts of escaping... running away... hurting myself. I did not get the usual suicidal feelings this time, but the desire to destroy, cause myself pain were very strong. THAT'S when keeping yourself locked away in a bedroom is a good idea. My mind was taking me to all sorts of crazy places. Should I cut off all my dreads? should I destroy the last painting I created? I could burn myself, crash the car, find something sharp... drink a bottle of vodka... (yes to me, alcohol is a form of self destruction.. it makes me ill and so would achieve the desired result). All I have to do is hang on until it passes. Wait, till the demon leaves me. Try and get through without letting any of these impulses take over. It's not easy, and as yet, I haven't figured out what I should do in these situations. What I need is a place to go while going through it all, away from my friends and family.. but it's not likely to ever be possible, so hey, you just gotta do what you can. My body has been curled up and tense all week, the pain in my back and shoulders from the tension is awful. The exhaustion from the endless thoughts and visions knocks me for six.

So, if it's happening out of cycle, at a time when I would not expect it, then I have to look at what else is going on. I follow a shamanic path. I always have, although when I was younger it took the form of witchcraft. Moving on from the restrictions and rules that are set when following such belief systems, led me to where I am now. As a woman, my cycle is shamanic in itself. Every woman has a direct connection to the Earth and the Moon. The menstrual cycle echoes the seasons of the year in it's energetic changes and also follows the phases of the moon. We are currently entering Spring. Pre ovulation. It's a transition time. The Spring Equinox this week symbolises this. A time when the Sun and the Moon are in balance, but also, a time when one half of the world welcomes in Spring and the other half kisses goodbye to Summer and is seeing in the Autumn. A duality, a time of balance and extremes all at the same time. Confusing eh?

I digress. In following a shamanic path, in dedicating myself to it, in stepping deeper into the mysteries I have to allow the necessary shifts to occur within me. Thing is, you don't get an email telling you you are about to go through another shamanic healing process... To be honest, I wasn't overly familiar with shamanic initiatory illness and it's symptoms until now, but the more I look at what is going on right now, the more it makes sense. I could just call it a breakdown, a PMDD episode that has arisen due to the stresses and strains of life, the terrible British weather and SAD, but that is almost dismissing the importance of these happenings (It does make it easier for others to understand, especially those who think shamanism etc is a load of bollox). The healing that follows the darkest times are invaluable... IF you can develop an understanding of why it's happened.

LOOK at the symptoms for shamanic initiatory illness... (these can also be symptoms of coming off psychiatric meds or the rising of the kundalini)

Shaking, vibration, altered states of consciousness ranging from comatose to euphoric, extremely long periods of insomnia or hypersomnia, inability to tolerate eating, food cravings, headaches, nausea and vomiting, nightmares, suicidality, pain, heart palpitations, fear of going crazy, feeling tormented, terror, being bed-ridden, agitation, weakness, cognitive confusion, seizures, muscular rigidity, tingling, impaired vision, hearing unusual sounds, seeing lights, other hallucinations or visions, obsessive or impulsive behavior, rages, crying jags, severe depression, vertigo, seeming drunk without taking any substance, exhaustion, chills, heat, sweating, tendency to withdrawal and agoraphobia.
(http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/91-kundalini-shamanic-initiatory-illness/)

I can tick off many of the above and have just experienced them. There is much documented about how shamans view schizophrenia and episodes like the one I have just described. In fact such things as schizophrenia do not exist in shamanic tribes. Shamans would view these things as a spirit trying to contact the living world, or a possession of a body by a spirit. Likewise, PMS or PMDD would not exist in these circles either. Women's menstruation was seen as a very powerful thing, and an essential part of their (and the tribe's) spiritual well being. Menstruation, itself, is an altered state of being/consciousness. You can read more about how shaman's deal with mental illness in the following link. It's an amazing article. http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2010/11/the-shamanic-view-of-mental-illness/

I can't say for sure that this is some kind of shamanic thing going on... but I also don't class myself as truly mentally ill. I am also not a flaky character that can't deal with the things life throws at her, as I have gone through a whole heap of difficult situations and life traumas over the years and am still here to tell the tale. My counselor, a few sessions in, told me she is amazed I am still here. My reply, is always... my kids keep me here. They are the reason I continue to live out my life on this planet... that and the fact that I have been blessed with a life, so really, I better make the most of it, however alien the world seems, and however difficult this particular life seems to be. Life, now, is actually better that it has ever been.. a gorgeous, loving and understanding husband, better relationships with family and friends, two amazing children and my art, my writing, the wonderful web, and a future that hopefully holds some great things.

About 15 years ago, during another challenging time of my life, my tarot teacher once said to me 'The hardest steel is tempered in the hottest fire'. That has stuck with me ever since. To be strong, to understand another person's pain, to feel empathy, to be able to help, heal, you need to undergo it yourself. I never consciously asked for this path, it just is... I find most of my life is 'out of my hands' these days. I rely on my instinct, on catching the wave and feeling the flow. I guess that with that comes the storms that turn the boat over, throw you into the water and leave you fighting for your life. What I wish though is that it didn't affect my family and friendships so much. 

So I'm doing my best. To understand, to learn, to develop and grow. I wanted to share all this stuff as I do freak out some times and think that everyone must think I am completely nuts, or just a depressive personality with no joy or fun, but that's not the case. I'm just different, and dealing with some really weird shit that no body gave me a manual for! Thank you to everyone who contacted me with kind words and who offered the hand of support. I'm sorry I couldn't accept, and especially sorry if my actions or words hurt or upset anyone...

I'm still 'coming round', settling down. It takes a while to flush out the adrenaline and anxiety, it takes even longer to get rid of the guilt and the feeling of embarrassment and shame, but writing this, focusing on some art will help, and hopefully I will re-integrate what I've learned through all this and next time wont be so bad... I have no idea how many of these I need to go through, but I couldn't actually begin to count the times that this sort of thing has happened. The last time was 6 months ago at the Autumn Equinox (pattern? who knows!)

Love to you all, and thank you for being a friend, in whatever capacity... (cyber, real life.. it's all the same)

Cat xx

Womb Symbolism - Rams Head

This is the latest meme that's turning up in news feeds on Facebook.
As with all meme's, it's a double edged sword.  On one hand it's a bit funny.. the coincidence, the underlying stereotypical symbolism... the connotations towards PMS/PMDD.  On the other hand, it could be seen as narrow minded, poking fun, creating a negative view of a woman's sacred time.

I find myself agreeing, as the similarities are glaringly obvious, but the use of the Satanic rams head, gives the viewer an immediate response that the womb is some kind of evil.  That in turn, being a woman is like being the devil.  This really encourages a negative view of the womb and menstrual cycle.

If we look at the womb, we see it does in fact look like a ram's head.  No problem there.
The problem comes with the use of the word Satanic and the image of the rams head that's been chosen in the picture above.

If we look at the symbolism of a ram's head, we can see there is good reason for it to be connected to the womb, and historically, it has connections with women.  All of this history and symbolism was in place WAY before the dawn of satanism and the rams head being used to represent Satan.  The pagan origins of Satan and the rams head come from things a lot less sinister.

Ancient civilisations were polytheistic and believed in many gods.  Many worshipped animals as they believed gods and goddesses could shape shift into animal forms.  The Sumerians (4000-2000BC) had huge flocks of sheep.  Sheep gave them food, warmth, work, trade.. if it weren't for the sheep, they would not have been able to sustain themselves.  They worshipped sheep goddesses and gods, who helped protect, watch over and ensure healthy sheep.  Whats really interesting about this, is the Sumerians developed the first ever form of writing, known as cuneiform.  Cuneiform is thought to be the origin of the word cunt... another feminine word that has been tainted and misused over the years.

The Egyptians valued sheep and also worshipped ram's headed gods.  Their most important god, Khnum, was said to have the head of a ram.  It was believed Khnum had created the Nile, and the whole of the universe from a single egg.  Rams heads have also been connected to neolithic shrines in Turkey.

The Greeks and Romans used sheep in their rituals, and often sacrificed these animals as a gift to their gods.  You can read more about sheep in Religion and Mythology here http://www.think-differently-about-sheep.com/Sheep%20_In_Religion_and_mythology.htm

More modern day uses include the Christian lamb of God, and the Satanic ram's head.


I don't really need to go into detail about all the negative views of the rams head as I would say that most have heard of, or seen images like the one above along with, 666, number of the beast, inverted pentacles, heavy metal.  I have to say that many of these views have been created and perpertuated by Christians themselves, and to me, Satanism adopted, or you could say, were given, a symbol to use that symbolises darkness.  If you want to see how fanatical people can become about this symbol, just check out this page (if you can stomach it) http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/False%20Religions/Wicca%20&%20Witchcraft/pentagram.htm


I would have to write a whole other blog about the pentacle, but it's fair to say that it has many many other uses and significances other than the Satanic one. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentagram

So.. how can we turn the original image above, and it's negative connotations around?

The womb, and it's similarity to the rams head is one of power and reverence.

Far from being something to be scared of, it is a symbol to be proud of.  The 5 pointed star, pentagram, represents the 5 senses, the 5 elements
- earth, air, fire, water and spirit, and a circle around them means unity, wholeness, infinity, the goddess, and protection.  A circle brings them all together creating a pentacle and binds them.  In it's inverted state, as represented by the rams head, we see the shadow side.

The 'one point up' pentagram, represents spirituality over the material, whereas the 'two points up' or inverted pentagram, represents the material and physical world, ruling over the spiritual.  It's the balance between both states that it required while we remain on this planet.

There is no purely good, or purely evil.  Everything in life can be good or bad.  The 'bad' is often not bad at all, but could be seen as a challenge, a test, a part of us that we have to learn from and heal.

So, maybe this symbol in connection to the menstrual cycle, womb and the Goddess, means we should look at the gifts held within the darkness of our cycles.

Other symbolism includes the astrological sign Aries, the ram.  It is the first sign of the zodiac, and is a fire sign.  It represents power, force, virility, masculine energy, protection, fearlessness and youth.  Aries, March 21st - April 20th rules over the springtime.  The coming out of winter into a new cycle.  This would represent pre-ovulation and the first signs of ovulation.  This time of year, around the Spring Equinox, represents new beginnings, a new cycle and life returning to the earth.

Just look at the symbol for Aries... remind you of anything?

In a woman's cycle, this is the time when energy and ideas build, when life becomes more focused on the outer world and less on the inner world.  It is a firey time, full of new growth and and a returning warmth.

With the darker connections, it would suggest a need to release your demons.  This time of growth lasts such a short time, if we get too selfish, too quick tempered, impulsive and impatient (all negative traits of Aries) we will miss the opportunities this time brings us.  If we are to reap the benefits of the Ariean energy, we need to develop the positive traits of Aries, such as being adventurous, energetic, pioneering, courageous, enthusiastic and confident.

An excellent overview of the Aries energy and traits can be found here http://www.cafeastrology.com/zodiacaries.html

by http://www.miguelcoimbra.com

The planet associated with Aries is Mars, the RED planet.  The masculine planet, that represents the God of War.  Again, the shadow side that can try and drag us under during our menstrual cycle can come out with a violent, powerful rush of male energy.  We are in fight mode, even when we may ot need to be.  Controlling this energy can take a bit of practice.

The Greek god Pan, is often referred to as an origin for the rams head too.  Think of Mr Tumnus in The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe.  In Pagan symbolism, Pan is the god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature, of mountain wilds, hunting, music, libido and fertility.  His season is spring and he is associated with the Mother Goddess.

Cernunnos, a Celtic god, is known as the horned god or god of the animals, and is often pictured with a horned or rams headed serpant.  Differing from the rams head, Cernunnos is said to have the antlers of a stag.  Antlers renew themselves unlike horns, so we could see a symbolism there, with the renewal of the womb every month.  There is also significance with the horned snake.  Snakes were always seen as a symbol of fertility, for obvious phallic reasons, and they also represent death, rebirth and regeneration (symbolised in the shedding of the skin).  Yet another very close symbol to the menstrual cycle. http://www.manygods.org.uk/articles/essays/Cernunnos.shtml

During my research for this article, I came across this image.

There are very few mentions of Goddesses or women with horns, yet this french painter Jean-Leon Gerome (1824-1904) pictured a woman with horns.  The painting is called The Bacchante.
A Bacchante is a priestess, or follower of the God Bacchus.  It appears to be quite hard to find out much information about the Bacchante, but this is a good resource http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-bacchante.htm  Bacchus (Roman) is known to be the God of the grape, wine, lust, sex and revelry.  His Greek name is Dionysus.  Dionysus had his own equivalent of Bacchante.  The women who followed Dionysus were called the Maenad.
Both the Bacchante and the Maenad were seen as wild women.  Crazed, mad and ferocious.
Maenad translates into the 'raving ones'.

They were said to " be sent into a state of ecstatic frenzy by Dionysus, through a combination of dancing and drunken intoxication. In this state, they would lose all self-control, begin shouting excitedly, engage in uncontrolled sexual behavior, and ritualistically hunt down and tear to pieces animals — and, at least in myth, sometimes men and children — devouring the raw flesh. During these rites, the maenads would dress in fawn skins and carry a thyrsus, a long stick wrapped in ivy or vine leaves and tipped by a cluster of leaves; they would weave ivy-wreaths around their heads, and often handle or wear snakes" (sourced from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maenad)

With all this it is easy to see where a negative view of a rams head may come from.  I don't know why the artist has connected The Bacchante to the rams head, but in doing so, he automatically draws on the deeper feminine meanings.  In this painting, I believe the woman was pictured with horns to represent her wild side.. as the title also suggests.  She looks quite innocent, her bare shoulder hints at promiscuity.. but look closer and she is also wearing animal fur.  This woman is not all she seems, if the myths of the Bacchante are to be believed.

Maybe Bacchus/Dionysus represents our hormones... driving us mad, intoxicating us to the point of frenzy...  there are definitely clear connections between the implications of the rams head and a woman's wildness, and many more positive views than negative.  What stands out is it is not the woman or womb that is evil or deviant, but the outside influence of Bacchus and his wine.

So when someone comments on how our womb's look just like a satanic rams head, and how funny it is that women tend to go crazy or mad at that time of the month, just point them in this direction. 
It is a cheap shot to poke fun at PMS or the troubles some women go through with their cycles.

Far from being Satanic, it is SHAMANIC.  Look at the ram as a power animal, and learn from it's traits and personality.  There is much to be learned from he ways of the creatures we share the earth with.

I would reply to the image at the top of this post with the image below...

Feel free to share from my Facebook page www.facebook.com/naturalshaman and remember to LIKE if you haven't already!

©Cat Hawkins

I HATE MY WOMB

As a long term sufferer of PMDD, I spent many years hating my womb, my cycle, my periods, they brought me so much pain and sadness.  Sent me crazy, upset and hurt the people I love and sometimes they succeeded in ruining my life.  I have not been able to work, participate in normal life, normal social activities.  I became reclusive, scared, isolated.

Throughout my teenage years, I discovered Paganism.  After years of learning Tarot cards, reading about the other worlds, and generally being fascinated by all thing esoteric, I realised there was a name, and a path I could follow.  I was already pretty in tune with the seasons, after growing up on the side of river banks and dog walking, but the Wheel of the Year and Paganism, opened my eyes, gave me structure and helped me to understand the different energy held within each season.

This interest developed further in to Witchcraft.  My late teen and early twenties were spent in Covens and working as a solitary witch.  I worshipped the Goddess, a female deity.  This felt more natural to me than anything I had learned with regard to the Bible, Christianity or Catholicism.

During my first pregnancy age 20/21, the PMDD symptoms began to worsen.  I had experienced extreme mood swings from the age of 13, but pregnancy brought me severe depression.  When my daughter was born I fell into Post Natal depression and the mood swings came back worse than ever.  I finally found out a name for my disorder when my daughter was 4 years old.  Pre Menstrual Dysphoric disorder.  Although I suffered from patches of depression over the years, the main symptom was extreme, uncontrollable mood swings, followed by 'normal' days when I couldn't believe how different I had been when under a dysphoric spell.

I hated being a girl, a woman... I hated my cycle, my periods.  I felt the 'curse'.  I had in fact joked when I was younger that I was cursed, or jinxed...  after a suicide attempt aged 28, I visited a Christian Pastors wife,  (my Aunt had begged me to see someone and took me to her) who told me I was being punished for 'dabbling with Witchcraft' and worshipping a Goddess and not THE God.

By that time I'd had my second child. Breastfeeding had held off the severe moods for 8 months, but they returned when I stopped feeding my baby, and gradually became more and more unbearable.

I HATED my womb.  I HATED my body, my cycle....  It made me miserable, ruined my life, made people stay away from me... I was misunderstood.  For others to even begin to understand why I was the way I was, I had to educate them in a disorder that at that time was being dismissed by the medical profession as non-existent... an excuse for women to misbehave... a disorder created by the anti-depressant companies to sell their product to a huge market of women who suffered with PMS.

My life felt wrong... I felt like I didn't belong on this earth.  I was confused.  How can I worship the Goddess yet hate the very thing that made me female.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I felt like a hypocrite.

I slowly walked away from my intensive practice with the Craft.  I began to focus on my kids and surviving as a mother.  Goddess knows I needed to.  The PMDD made being a mother hard.  Hard on me and my children.  They lost their Mum for most of the month.  They walked on eggshells and ducked for cover when a rage took hold.  The guilt was unbearable.

Leaving my spiritual practice behind for a few years did me more harm then good.  I ended up in a bad relationship, which almost destroyed me.  I had nowhere to turn.  I had left my Pagan family.  I had let go of my spiritual connection believing it wasn't helping me.

When I finally managed to escape the bad relationship, my life began to change.  I slowly recovered my spiritual practice, but this time in the form of astrology and shamanism.  Slowly, slowly at first, but over a couple of years, I reconnected with my Goddess, began reading and learning, and re-finding the skills I had left behind.  I still hated my womb.  I was trying different medications in the hope that something would curb the mood swings.  I had met a new man, a good man, someone who I fell madly in love with.  I didn't want to lose him because of my disorder.  I even tried a chemical menopause, which is an injection that stops all your hormones and puts you into a menopausal state.  At this point, I was hoping that it would work and I would then follow that with a hysterectomy, but it all seemed too extreme. After all, there was nothing actually physically 'wrong' with my reproductive organs.  There was nothing wrong with my hormones.  My problem was my body's sensitivities to the changes in hormones.

18 months ago, I began Googling 'Spiritual Menstruation'.  I was desperately looking for a spiritual explanation for my mood swings.  I was looking for what was going on within me on a spiritual level.  To my delight, I found a website that explained my menstrual cycle in a spiritual way.  It explained how it was connected to the seasonal energies, the phases of the moon, the wheel of the year.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!  Something switched inside me.  Years of reading and learning flooded back into my mind. EVERYTHING I had learned during my years of studying Paganism fell into place.  I could apply it to my cycle, I could begin to understand my cycle.  I felt like I had a map.  I had a guide.  I felt like I could see where I was going wrong.  The original article I read can be found here http://www.moonsong.com.au/spiritualmenstruation.html

I then found an author, Alexandra Pope, who had written books on the topic of spiritual menstruation and divine feminine energies.  The Woman's Quest is a work book that helps a woman get in touch with her menstrual cycle.  It guides you through, it gives explanations.  It helped me discover where I was going wrong.  This book really 'saved' me.

As I read through, I realised everything that SHOULD be helping me, I saw as an enemy. Everything that didn't fit with society and everyday life, I saw as an inconvenience, I saw it as a burden.  When I began to understand how I could change my perspective and USE these energies instead of fight against them, my life began to change.  I began to heal.  I didn't talk about these idea for about 6 months, as I spent time getting to grips with it all.  To change a lifetime of hatred into love was not a quick process.  I had to see if these idea would work.  I had already come off all the medications, namely anti-depressants, and after 6 months of working with cycle awareness, I realised that the Mirena could I had sat in my womb, was hindering my healing process.  Not to mention the agonising symptoms I had begun to develop with it in my body.  Almost a year ago now, I had it removed.

After suffering a massive 'Mirena crash' due to the progesterone in my body beginning to flow again, I settle down into my own rhythm within 6 months.  This meant I no longer had an IUD controlling my hormones.  It meant I could get in touch with my own cycle with no interference.  This was a scary time, as I had been on medications/birth control for my entire menstruating life.  It was new territory.
I decided to find a counsellor, to help me get through the transition.  Again, I found an excellent counsellor local to me, by searching for a spiritual counsellor.  I needed someone who was going to accept and understand my beliefs.  I have been with her for 10 months now and can see and feel massive changes within me.

So 18 months on from discovering cycle awareness, I now honour my womb.  I now LOVE my womb.  It holds so much power, power that if left untamed can create huge problems in my outer life.  I should know!  I observe and listen.  Every cycle is a new, fresh opportunity to learn.  Understanding the cycle phases now helps me immensely.  I attended a workshop with Alexandra Pope in London, which really helped me get to grips with the ideas behind cycle awareness... you can read about this here  http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/creating-menstrual-health-workshop-with.html

My connection to the Goddess is stronger than ever.   By honouring myself, I honour her.  By loving myself, I can heal.  Being kind to myself and listening to my body's needs means my PMDD has improved ten fold.  I still struggle through some months, I still experience mood swings, but the way I deal with them has changed.  They no longer cause pain to those around me.  Friends and family are now realising that I can only do certain things at certain times of the month.  I am not a failure because I am different, or because I am sensitive to the hormone changes in my body.  If I need to rest, I need to rest.  If I can't meet up with a friend because I'm pre menstrual or bleeding, people accept that.  It takes a lot of explaining, but those that care understand, and those that don't are really friends.

I recently missed a friends wedding due to being due on and feeling low.  I was in retreat mode and just needed quiet time.  I felt awful.  I was gutted to have missed their celebration, but to go would have meant a possible melt down, and I no longer force myself to go through that.  I sent apologies and spent the weekend trying to forgive myself for letting them down.  In reality, they still had a wonderful day, and I managed to keep myself balanced and care for MY needs.

Knowing your body and mind and what you need is key.  Even with books like The Woman's Quest, every woman is an individual.  Ladies with PMDD know only too well that what works for one person, doesn't necessarily work for another.  The only way to heal is to work with your OWN body, your OWN needs, beliefs and values.  Observe and learn from your cycle.  Listen, fulfil your needs.

I will always be 'the odd one out'.  It is unlikely I will ever hold down a 'normal' job, this in turn can make life a struggle, financially and bring issues such as low self esteem, but I will find my way.  Society has very closed minded views on how we should all be.  PMDD, PMS, hormone disorders are still so misunderstood.  Women are expected to be like men.  They aren't.  Our cycles give us a full spectrum of emotions and energies throughout the month, they fluctuate.  One day, women might be allowed to utilise these cycle changes within society and the workplace, they might be respected for the different energies they hold within.  We can all but hope for this change, but I sense it will be a long process.  So long as women put up and shut up, do what they can to fit into a masculine society, we will never be heard.  Never be afraid to be female, and celebrate our differences.

Change your perspective, change your world.  It's challenging, it's exciting, but most of all, it can lead to deep healing to all women, and encourage others to follow suit.

Your womb is not the enemy.  Your ovaries are not the enemy.  YOU are your own worst enemy.  We have the power to create our world.  We have the power to stop making the same bad choices, to stop making the same mistakes.  It is possible to break the destructive cycle of PMDD.  There is no magic cure, but it IS possible to live with it, manage it and be happy.  I am living proof.

To read more of my writing about cycle awareness, follow these links:

http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/magic-of-menstrual-cycle.html
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/my-healing-journey.html
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/spiral-goddess.html

I decided to create a visual aid to help me understand my cycle energies.  For me, it really helped me to be able to SEE the cycle.  I created an A3 Poster.  If you are interested in the poster, please visit this link http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/energy-cycle-poster.html

If you are interested in reading my blog about PMDD, please go here http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.co.uk/

My article in Indie Shaman

What a lovely Imbolc present!!

Yesterday I received my copy of Indie Shaman magazine.  This particular edition include my artwork on the cover and an article I have written on The Energy of the Menstrual Cycle and Female Shamanism.

I am thrilled to have my work in print, and the magazine looks absolutely beautiful!

 

I have been working with the Indie Shaman shamanic skills course for a few months now, and I can honestly say it is truly amazing.  I am enjoying every second and would recommend it to anyone wishing to develop their shamanic skills.

To find out more about the course, or to order a copy of the magazine, please go to www.indieshaman.co.uk