Why don't women recognise the power they hold?

A male friend of mine asked this on Facebook today, I wrote a bit in reply and thought I would share for you here.  David is also my current astrology teacher and I would highly recommend checking out his online courses and his readings.  You can find him here http://www.davidrowan.co.uk/index.html and on his Facebook page.

Ladies, I am confused ...

I keep seeing posts that read is if some women believe that the world would be nicer, safer, more harmonious and less hostile if women had more power ...
and then, I read in neuroscience and biology and psychology books that a mother is The primary influence in child's brain development/character

which means that women are The most powerful people in the shaping of the trajectory of a boy's, or a man's character

so I have 2 questions:

1 - how come you do not recognize the vast power you already have ?

2 - since you already have the power to initially shape the path of mankind, how come there is so much hostility ?

is it that, regardless of our gender, that all healthy humans are capable of experiencing every type of human emotion; that men can be sensitive and women can be angry ... etc ?

Would it not be better if we stopped blaming others for circumstances and began looking at what we can change within ourselves to make life easier and better for everyone ?

just a thought ...

My reply, was as follows...

I think that there is a definite up-surgence in the 'feminine principles' or the following of the Divine Feminine and I too have seen and know personally the anger that women hold.  Any woman who thinks that the world would be 'better if women were in power is missing the point.  It's not about women ruling over men or vice versa (we have plenty of experience of the latter)  it's about allowing women to be women and men to be men, and accepting and embracing the differences held within each.  It's only through the coming together of the male and female that we experience wholeness, and I mean that in all senses.  Within our own selves and in outer relationships.  It's about reaching a balance.

Women have for centuries been held back, repressed and written out of all aspects of history.  As women we have experienced mass genocide and propaganda.  The problem lies in the lack of knowledge.  Women in 2012 do not necessarily have the support that our ancestors would have.  Who teaches the mothers?  Who is there to help raise our children?  Once upon a time, grandmothers, great grandmothers, sisters and aunts would have helped collectively to raise a child, along with the men showing the boy child how to be a man.. rites of passage, the passing on of knowledge.  A man has a massive part in raising a boy, more so, in the ways of setting a good example and teaching the child.  A mothers love and knowledge can only go so far.

Girls these days getting pregnant only a few years after starting to menstruate mean they have no experience or knowledge in theer own bodies, let alone the raising of a child.  Even older ladies may have no connection to their cycles due to years of birth control.  The connection to pregnancy and birth is not as strong when you rely on medical intervention and don't trust or know you're own body.

In answer to your questions...

1.  How come you do not recognize the vast power you already have ?

How can we?  We have not been taught how awesome the power we have is.  Not unless we were lucky enough to have a mother or mother figures to learn from.  I have barely known my own mother through my life, so where do I turn for information...  EVEN IF she had been there, she was not aware of her power, and nor was my Grandmother before her.  No one taught them.  In my own history, my Grandmother, Anglo Indian, born in India, her mother before her, born in India... no records kept, my G Grandmother was married at 16 and had 7 kids.  But she was a woman in India, and even now in that culture, some women hold little or no power and have very little say in their own lives.  So, I digress..  Many women will go through thier whole lives unaware of what they have the power to achieve and the responsibility they hold, but it is not their fault.  Women have been told for centuries that their basic bodily fuctions are something to be ashamed of, something to be 'cured'.  Men were at the forefront of all the developments, treatments, understandings...  why? because the passing on of knowledge through mother to daughter, generation to generation has been lost or ignored.  Men have tried to understand the mysteries, but then we deny our own knowledge and believe that they know us better than we do.
If we are cursed, if we are inferior, if we are not worth the same in societies eyes then how do we believe we are not cursed, inferior or worth the same as men.  Feminism went some way to try and bring balance, but I feel it simply tipped it in the opposite direction, the pendulum swinging.  What we need to find now is that balance.

2.  Since you already have the power to initially shape the path of mankind, how come there is so much hostility ?

There is hostility because women are angry their ancestors were badly treated for things we know now to be normal.  That the misunderstanding and intolerance has meant that we have not had the mysteries and knowledge passed to us.  I can weep for the women who died in the witch trials, for my ancestors who may have died for simply being women in the wrong place at the wrong time, for the babies that have not had a chance in life because of the cultures we have now.  I am angry that women do not play as bigger part in our history books as men do, that I have been made to feel an outcast from society for embracing my cycle and femininity.
I do not feel we can make much headway with anger, but I do feel it is justified.

It is not just a womans job to raise a child, but is is one of the most important jobs a woman can do.  Unfortunately again, I see a cultural problem.  Women since the 60's have been told they have to go out to work, be equal to men.  They need to do this along with bringing children in to the world and raising them..  If they choose work, they are called powerful, successful..  if they choose motherhood they are asked why they didn't want more out of life.. if they choose both, they have barely enough time to enjoy both aspects, and the pressure is on to be the best at it all.  All this with usually very little family support as the rest of the family are too, doing the same thing... trying to be the best at it all cos that's what we 'should' have in our lives.

It's a complicated topic, and one I feel strongly about, so apologies for the long reply!
I don't believe we as women are the most important people in shaping men, I think men need to take some responsibility for that.  It is men that set the examples to younger men of what a man is, and how you treat the women in your lives.  Women may have power, men may have power, but it's both that is needed to shape a new human being.

With love
Cat x

We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

This post was originally written for my PMDD blog, but is relevant to all women, whether they have PMS, PMDD, or suffer with anger problems because of life 'stuff', so I thought I'd share here too...

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

The symbol of feminine power.

Honour thy womb, honour thy ovaries... Honour the deep power we hold within... it is our greatest gift, giving us insight, truth, love, new life and unstoppable creativity.... ♥

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Photography by ©Mark Hall 2012 all right reserved.

Bleed on it...

Our menstruation is the most powerful experience a woman can have. We renew, we delve into our own darkness, and if we are not in tune with this, it can cause us so much pain, physically and emotionally. The run up to our period is an unstable time, our inner critic raises it's voice, we become critical of ourselves and others. This voice should be ignored, or quietened... underlying it though, is a message trying to get through, a truth that may be hard to hear.

Maybe it's because you are denying something in yourself or life, you are avoiding your life's path, or are in an unsatisfying situation in life. Past issues that you haven't dealt with properly may come up, underlying the anger you feel towards someone at work or home. We all know it is hard to know which way is up during this time, especially if we lose our centre, start spinning in the madness and lose control...

It is at this time we need to retreat, to dream, rest and go within. Any big decisions should wait till after your period... I offer to you the idea of 'BLEED ON IT' Any choice you have to make, any doubts you have, any life changes you aren't sure of, go into yourself at bleeding time, learn, accept.. LOVE YOURSELF... find the answers. Always wait till after your bleed to make a decision.

Some bigger issues may need deeper exploration or longer 'bleed on it' times. You may need to seek help from a counsellor or therapist to deal with life long or very traumatic times in your life. TRUSTING that you DO know what you need, want and are capable of is important to holding onto you womanly power. Our instincts are amazing, our inner guidance is always talking to us, we just need to listen. By healing our past and our present, we can calm the pre-menstrual rage, we can take control.

The Critic robs us of our self esteem, our confidence, our sanity, we believe we cant make decisions or take on too much. It DIS-EMPOWERS us. It doesn't have to. GET STRONG, feed the good, starve the bad. TRUST yourself. Take time, go with your cycle, don't let others rush you. BLEED ON IT ♥

What do you think?