Wonderful Women's Day

I have very kindly been asked to talk about PMDD at a local Wonderful Women's Day.

The whole day is incorporating lots of activities, including an opportunity to experience Miranda Gray's Womb blessing in the company of others, AND a viewing of the film 'Things we don't talk about'.

If you live in the Hampshire area, why don't you come along!

For more details about activities please click the following links.

Miranda Gray's Womb Blessing http://www.wombblessing.com/
(You must register with Miranda to receive the womb blessing, chose 12 noon as the time if you are coming along on the day)

'Things we don't talk about' - Red Tent Movie http://www.redtentmovie.com/
(Admission to film only will be at 5.30pm with a suggested donation of £7)

Event run and organised by The Dreadess http://www.thedreadess.com/#/wonderful-womens-day/4576189163

New Posters available!

Finally!  After lots of work the Menstrual Cycle Visual Guide is now available for sale!

A4, printed on heavy FSC paper, this provides a handy visual guide to the menstrual cycle.  Useful for education purposes and to aid personal understanding of the cycle.

Single posters are £8 (price includes worldwide shipping) but are cheaper when purchased as part of a pack or as a multiple poster purchase.

Just go my my POSTER SHOP to browse the poster packs available!

Available for sale SOON!

**UPDATE**
 
Prints of 'The Menstrual Cycle - A Visual Guide' should be available for sale early Feb! 

It took longer than expected to get the image ready for printing (image for web is different to the quality needed for printing). It will be A4 in size, available for sale on it's own and in a special offer package with my other poster 'The Secret Feminine Energy of the Menstrual Cycle'.

As soon as I know more I will let you know. Feel free to register your interest below if you would like to purchase. Price to be confirmed but will be around £8 with free shipping ♥

 

The Menstrual Cycle - A Visual Guide

It never ceases to amaze me how many women don't really know what is going in inside their bodies during the menstrual cycle, or how to chart their cycle.  I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just an observation.  Knowledge is the best tool you can have, and if you suffer with PMDD/PMS you need to do a bit of reading and get some of that valuable knowledge under you belt.  It will help as you try and figure out what happens at what point of your cycle, and having an idea of the physical changes inside you can really help.

Over the years I have come across videos and charts which have helped me to understand the changes my body goes through.  That understanding, in turn, led me to look for ways to support the changes rather than fight against them.  Timing and planning things around the different energies is now second nature.  Knowing my limits at each point of the cycle has really helped me live with PMDD.  I have the odd breakdown, but I am much more in control on a regular basis during all points of my cyclical changes.  That to me is like winning the lottery.

I decided to create a chart just for PMDD/PMS sufferers to refer to.  It shows the fluctuations in hormones, the physical changes, and the energetic/emotional changes.  Hopefully it will give you a good idea as to what is happening in side you when all hell breaks loose!  It also has key words to give you a feel for the natural energy of each phase..

I will go into more about the seasonal correspondences in another post, but it's quite easy to connect with.  Our energy grows after our period, peaks at ovulation and then slowly wanes until we bleed again. You can see this cycle happen in nature every year.  We have like a mini years worth of seasons in one month!  I have blogged about these theories before, you can find some of them here and here.  I also created a poster about these energies which you can find here -  http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/energy-cycle-poster.html.

We get all stressed out about feeling low, tired or crabby, but if we are pre menstrual or hitting ovulation there is a simple explanation!  Hormonal changes!  If you are still having trouble during the times when the hormones level out and are not finding yourself feeling better, then maybe there are other issues at play.  PMDD/PMS will drag you down during pre menstruation and in some cases, at ovulation too.  You should always feel better at each point between to two, but if you are not, you may need to look at whether your unhappiness/frustration is coming from a depression, an unsuitable job, an unhappy relationship, a past trauma or issue that hasn't been resolved.  PMDD/PMS plays a huge part in our emotional wellbeing, but it's not the only factor.  Stress and unresolved issues can add to the pressure and make an uncontrollable outburst more likely.

Here is the chart.  It clearly shows the fluctuations and changes the body goes through.  I have added where the PMDD crisis points are, along with the seasons of the year and key words that can give you an idea of the energies present during each phase.  Hopefully it is simple enough to understand, and below, is a written explanation.  Again, I hope I have written it in such a way that it is easy to understand.  I have read many a medical site that uses such technical words that it gets too complicated to understand!

To chart your periods, you start counting on the first day of bleeding.  That is day 1.  You keep counting until you bleed again and the again, the first day of bleeding becomes day 1.  Mark it on a calendar or use an app to keep track of your period.  This helps you to plan around your period by not taking on too much during the times that could be challenging.  I often count forward and also mark day 7, 14, 21 and 28.   That then gives me a quick view of where I will be emotionally and physically throughout the month.  Lots of cycles are longer or shorter, and that is normal.  28 days is just the average.  Ovulation always occurs around 14 days before your period, so if you have a short cycle, say, 21 days, you will ovulate on day 7.. if it is a longer cycle, say 32 days, you will ovulate around day 18.  It IS possible to ovulate twice in a month and to not ovulate at all.

The menstrual cycle is split into 3 phases, follicular, ovulation and luteal. The first phase is the follicular phase and corresponds to when the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, produced in the brain) sends signals to the ovary to ripen and produce and egg.. This then produces more estrogen from the ovaries to enable the egg to ripen.. At ovulation, increasing estrogen levels from the maturing follicles cause the LH, luteinizing hormone, to surge, which releases the egg. The corpus luteum (a solid body of cells) is left behind at ovulation. The corpus luteum excretes progesterone and small amounts of estrogen and causes the womb lining to thicken in preparation for the egg. This is called the luteal phase. It prepares the body for pregnancy. During the luteal phase, estrogen drops quite rapidly and will fluctuate until your period. At the same time, progesterone is rising. It spikes around day 21, and then drops off rapidly. When the egg is not fertilised, the corpus luteum dies and stops producing progesterone and estrogen, this allows the womb to shed it's lining and cleanse the uterus.

The other hormones involved are those that are produced in the brain that send signals to the ovaries.  Gonadotropic hormones come from the pituitary glad in the brain.  They are controlled by GnRH frequencies that send out pulses to regulate the production of gonadotropic hormones.  In men, this pulse is contstant and steady.  In women, the frequencies change throughout the cycle which is what gives us a cycle that changes and fluctuates.  The change in frequency is what sends out the right amount of gonadotropic hormones to our ovaries to trigger the stages of the menstrual cycle.

The basal body temperature can help clearly indicate ovulation and is important for those trying to conceive or who use the fertility awareness method of contraception.  By orally taking your temperature every morning as soon as you wake (before even getting out of bed) and keeping a record, you will see a drop in temperature at ovulation and then it will rise from around 36.4°F to 36.7°F.  Other signs of ovulation is the consistency of cervical mucus.  At ovulation, this mucus will be fluid and watery.  Some women can tell they are ovulating just by how wet or moist they get.  This fluid helps sperm to swim more easily into the womb.  After ovulation, the cervical mucus will get thicker and more sticky.  This is much harder for the sperm to swim through, which helps with contraception.  For more info on the fertility awareness method and charting temperature, take a look at TCOYF.  Some women do also experience pain at ovulation.  Stabbing sharp pains on either the left or right side can signify which ovary you are ovulating from!  They are known as mittelschmerz.

By having even a basic understanding of the physiology of the menstrual cycle, you can get to grips with why we experience these changes in mind and body.  This is the physical process, but we all know that these changes DO have a significant effect on our mental health, moods and wellbeing. 

When you really learn and come to terms with the fact that our bodily processes are pretty much out of our hands.. meaning, we cannot stop them, (unless we control them with birth control/hormone therapy or hysterectomy) but we can start to look at ways of how to live and work WITH them.  Of course, we can influence our bodily functions.  By eating and sleeping right, exercising and staying away from stress we can encourage a healthier system... 

Never underestimate stress.  Stress can knock out these physical rhythms, causing the cycle to become off balance.  This can lead to irregular periods, changes in cycle length, missing or late periods and all manner of emotional symptoms.

I have produced an alternate version of this chart to share on Facebook, and may look at getting some printed for those who would like a hard copy to stick up at home...  If you are interested in buying a copy, please message me via my Facebook page or use my Kontactr box. 

Chart is for illustrative purposes only and includes the main factors responsible for the menstrual cycle.  There are obviously other smaller players on the menstrual stage, but for the purposes of PMDD education, I have focused on the star performers!

If you choose to download and share, please link back to me and do not remove my copyright from the image.  Please contact me if you wish to re blog, so I can give you a shout out in return!  Thank you. xx

© Cat Hawkins 2012 - Art and design by chaoticat.com.

Valerian magic

I am on day 18.  Since day 14 I have had pain in my womb.  It starts with small twingy cramps, then slowly gets to what it is today, which is a constant dull pain in my womb, made worse by moving, walking, sitting...

I've always had pain at ovulation, the worse times being when I had the Mirena coil.  I remember a lovely trip to Oxford being hindered by ovulation pain.  I could barely walk at all, and every step I did manage was more painful.  Since removing all birth control, ovulation has continued to let me know physically it is happening, and days like this are not uncommon.  It's painful to walk and move, although not impossible, and I feel any sudden moves will cause the pain to increase for a few minutes.

I've been drawn back to my valerian tea.  I use it occasionally to aid sleep.  It works quite well, but I find that unless you are preparing for sleep alongside drinking it, it's not a guaranteed sleep aid.

I'm basing this on the Dr Stuarts blend of Valerian PLUS tea.  It contains 20% Valerian, and other calming herbs such as passionflower and hops.  It's not like popping a sleeping pill and knowing you will be asleep within the hour, it's a much more subtle remedy.

 With this in mind, I thought I would try it during the day.  With ovulation comes the creeping negative thoughts.  I have managed to keep a lid on them and try and distract myself with other things, but it's not easy.  Not when your body is making you feel anxious, like there is something to be worrying about but you don't know what.  The 'Did I Leave the Kettle on at Home?' feeling.

Remember, I am currently not taking any prescription medication, so I do not have to worry about contra-indications, so please, if you ARE taking any medications, always research before you try adding something else.  Drinking valerian may not be a good idea if you are already on meds, so be sure to ask, or research before trying anything out for yourself.

I doesn't smell great.  It is strong and pungent, even in a 20% mix with other herbs, but it doesn't offend me too much, and it tastes nice, so I'm happy to drink it!

I got to thinking about it's magical properties, or other reasons why it may be a good treatment for ovulation.  Valerian root has been used for centuries for a variety of things.  Insomnia, anxiety, stress, aching muscles/muscle pain, stomach problems, menstrual problems, epilepsy and ADHD.  It has no known side effects through single or long term use, but should be avoided in pregnancy and if trying to conceive.  If you want to know more about possible side effects go here http://www.livestrong.com/valerian-root-side-effects/

Folk lore says that sprinkling valerian over the front door step can deter unwanted visitors, or hanging sprigs around a room can create better relationships within the family.  It brings protection and helps ward off nightmares.  The word valerian comes from the latin word 'valere' which means 'to be strong and healthy'. It's other names are Vandal root, All-heal, St Georges Herb, Amantilla, and Setwall.

A recipe from the 1500’s containing Valerian stated, “Men who begin to fight and when you wish to stop them, give to them the juice of Amantilla and peace will be made immediately.” (A Modern Herbal by M Grieve)

Magically, it resonates with the feminine, it's element is water, and it's planetary correspondences are Venus, Mercury and Jupiter.  It is used in spells for ending guilt, stopping negative self talk and promoting self acceptance.  Valerian is said to help turn bad situations round to your advantage and finding a positive in a negative situation. It's astrological association is Aquarius.  It is associated with the festivals of Samhain and Yule, which is right where we are in the calendar year!

Valerian is warming and so too much can cause headaches and giddyness, or produce more of the symptoms you are trying to avoid, but essentially, I like this warming quality as it feels more active than passive.  You should obviously never take something over and over, there is a risk of de-sensitisation and many herbs can have negative affects if you take too much, so just be aware.  I'm happy to use this tea only when I feel I really need it, and tea is quite weak in strength (even in the plus blend) compared to popping capsules full of the herb.  It is STILL safer in my opinion than valium or any other prescribed insomnia/anxiety meds, and I would rather a couple of cups of tea during my challenging times, then to be whacked out on chemicals.

Researchers feel that valerian has some effect on the GABA receptors in the brain and that it has the ability to keep GABA from being broken down by the body. Valerian root has a high amount of GABA in its chemical make up. GABA is one of the main neurotransmitters that is responsible for inhibiting excitability in the brain and central nervous system. It regulates the amount of excitability or irritability that the central nervous system is exposed to. http://www.ihealthdirectory.com/valerian-root/

Thoughts that come to mind is we have something here that is associated with the feminine.  Water is a feminine, along with Venus and relates to feelings.  Mercury and Aquarius are of the realm of the air, and so relate to thinking.  During ovulation, my thoughts, at first come with a rush and excitement, then that tips into anxiety and the self doubt kicks in.  Anger and frustration come with the muddled thinking, and I find myself snapping and getting irritated with family.  I don't know why this is such a problem for me, but trying to stay level through a whole month is the goal.
Valerian appears to tick the boxes so far as energy and properties go, and it appears to work pretty well for calming my thoughts and it helps the pain too.  I had a cup today as I felt like I was gonna go under, and so far, results are good... I even managed to write this!  I do feel sleepy, but in a calm way,  If I wanted to sleep, I probably could, but equally, I could go eat, shower and decide what else to do today...

Fingers crossed I've found something to help with this time of the month!  Ovulation energy is really difficult for me to deal with, and I'm still trying to figure out why!

http://kitchenwitchuk.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/magic-of-valerian-root.html
http://www.witchipedia.com/herb:valerian

We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

This post was originally written for my PMDD blog, but is relevant to all women, whether they have PMS, PMDD, or suffer with anger problems because of life 'stuff', so I thought I'd share here too...

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

I HATE MY WOMB

As a long term sufferer of PMDD, I spent many years hating my womb, my cycle, my periods, they brought me so much pain and sadness.  Sent me crazy, upset and hurt the people I love and sometimes they succeeded in ruining my life.  I have not been able to work, participate in normal life, normal social activities.  I became reclusive, scared, isolated.

Throughout my teenage years, I discovered Paganism.  After years of learning Tarot cards, reading about the other worlds, and generally being fascinated by all thing esoteric, I realised there was a name, and a path I could follow.  I was already pretty in tune with the seasons, after growing up on the side of river banks and dog walking, but the Wheel of the Year and Paganism, opened my eyes, gave me structure and helped me to understand the different energy held within each season.

This interest developed further in to Witchcraft.  My late teen and early twenties were spent in Covens and working as a solitary witch.  I worshipped the Goddess, a female deity.  This felt more natural to me than anything I had learned with regard to the Bible, Christianity or Catholicism.

During my first pregnancy age 20/21, the PMDD symptoms began to worsen.  I had experienced extreme mood swings from the age of 13, but pregnancy brought me severe depression.  When my daughter was born I fell into Post Natal depression and the mood swings came back worse than ever.  I finally found out a name for my disorder when my daughter was 4 years old.  Pre Menstrual Dysphoric disorder.  Although I suffered from patches of depression over the years, the main symptom was extreme, uncontrollable mood swings, followed by 'normal' days when I couldn't believe how different I had been when under a dysphoric spell.

I hated being a girl, a woman... I hated my cycle, my periods.  I felt the 'curse'.  I had in fact joked when I was younger that I was cursed, or jinxed...  after a suicide attempt aged 28, I visited a Christian Pastors wife,  (my Aunt had begged me to see someone and took me to her) who told me I was being punished for 'dabbling with Witchcraft' and worshipping a Goddess and not THE God.

By that time I'd had my second child. Breastfeeding had held off the severe moods for 8 months, but they returned when I stopped feeding my baby, and gradually became more and more unbearable.

I HATED my womb.  I HATED my body, my cycle....  It made me miserable, ruined my life, made people stay away from me... I was misunderstood.  For others to even begin to understand why I was the way I was, I had to educate them in a disorder that at that time was being dismissed by the medical profession as non-existent... an excuse for women to misbehave... a disorder created by the anti-depressant companies to sell their product to a huge market of women who suffered with PMS.

My life felt wrong... I felt like I didn't belong on this earth.  I was confused.  How can I worship the Goddess yet hate the very thing that made me female.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I felt like a hypocrite.

I slowly walked away from my intensive practice with the Craft.  I began to focus on my kids and surviving as a mother.  Goddess knows I needed to.  The PMDD made being a mother hard.  Hard on me and my children.  They lost their Mum for most of the month.  They walked on eggshells and ducked for cover when a rage took hold.  The guilt was unbearable.

Leaving my spiritual practice behind for a few years did me more harm then good.  I ended up in a bad relationship, which almost destroyed me.  I had nowhere to turn.  I had left my Pagan family.  I had let go of my spiritual connection believing it wasn't helping me.

When I finally managed to escape the bad relationship, my life began to change.  I slowly recovered my spiritual practice, but this time in the form of astrology and shamanism.  Slowly, slowly at first, but over a couple of years, I reconnected with my Goddess, began reading and learning, and re-finding the skills I had left behind.  I still hated my womb.  I was trying different medications in the hope that something would curb the mood swings.  I had met a new man, a good man, someone who I fell madly in love with.  I didn't want to lose him because of my disorder.  I even tried a chemical menopause, which is an injection that stops all your hormones and puts you into a menopausal state.  At this point, I was hoping that it would work and I would then follow that with a hysterectomy, but it all seemed too extreme. After all, there was nothing actually physically 'wrong' with my reproductive organs.  There was nothing wrong with my hormones.  My problem was my body's sensitivities to the changes in hormones.

18 months ago, I began Googling 'Spiritual Menstruation'.  I was desperately looking for a spiritual explanation for my mood swings.  I was looking for what was going on within me on a spiritual level.  To my delight, I found a website that explained my menstrual cycle in a spiritual way.  It explained how it was connected to the seasonal energies, the phases of the moon, the wheel of the year.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!  Something switched inside me.  Years of reading and learning flooded back into my mind. EVERYTHING I had learned during my years of studying Paganism fell into place.  I could apply it to my cycle, I could begin to understand my cycle.  I felt like I had a map.  I had a guide.  I felt like I could see where I was going wrong.  The original article I read can be found here http://www.moonsong.com.au/spiritualmenstruation.html

I then found an author, Alexandra Pope, who had written books on the topic of spiritual menstruation and divine feminine energies.  The Woman's Quest is a work book that helps a woman get in touch with her menstrual cycle.  It guides you through, it gives explanations.  It helped me discover where I was going wrong.  This book really 'saved' me.

As I read through, I realised everything that SHOULD be helping me, I saw as an enemy. Everything that didn't fit with society and everyday life, I saw as an inconvenience, I saw it as a burden.  When I began to understand how I could change my perspective and USE these energies instead of fight against them, my life began to change.  I began to heal.  I didn't talk about these idea for about 6 months, as I spent time getting to grips with it all.  To change a lifetime of hatred into love was not a quick process.  I had to see if these idea would work.  I had already come off all the medications, namely anti-depressants, and after 6 months of working with cycle awareness, I realised that the Mirena could I had sat in my womb, was hindering my healing process.  Not to mention the agonising symptoms I had begun to develop with it in my body.  Almost a year ago now, I had it removed.

After suffering a massive 'Mirena crash' due to the progesterone in my body beginning to flow again, I settle down into my own rhythm within 6 months.  This meant I no longer had an IUD controlling my hormones.  It meant I could get in touch with my own cycle with no interference.  This was a scary time, as I had been on medications/birth control for my entire menstruating life.  It was new territory.
I decided to find a counsellor, to help me get through the transition.  Again, I found an excellent counsellor local to me, by searching for a spiritual counsellor.  I needed someone who was going to accept and understand my beliefs.  I have been with her for 10 months now and can see and feel massive changes within me.

So 18 months on from discovering cycle awareness, I now honour my womb.  I now LOVE my womb.  It holds so much power, power that if left untamed can create huge problems in my outer life.  I should know!  I observe and listen.  Every cycle is a new, fresh opportunity to learn.  Understanding the cycle phases now helps me immensely.  I attended a workshop with Alexandra Pope in London, which really helped me get to grips with the ideas behind cycle awareness... you can read about this here  http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/creating-menstrual-health-workshop-with.html

My connection to the Goddess is stronger than ever.   By honouring myself, I honour her.  By loving myself, I can heal.  Being kind to myself and listening to my body's needs means my PMDD has improved ten fold.  I still struggle through some months, I still experience mood swings, but the way I deal with them has changed.  They no longer cause pain to those around me.  Friends and family are now realising that I can only do certain things at certain times of the month.  I am not a failure because I am different, or because I am sensitive to the hormone changes in my body.  If I need to rest, I need to rest.  If I can't meet up with a friend because I'm pre menstrual or bleeding, people accept that.  It takes a lot of explaining, but those that care understand, and those that don't are really friends.

I recently missed a friends wedding due to being due on and feeling low.  I was in retreat mode and just needed quiet time.  I felt awful.  I was gutted to have missed their celebration, but to go would have meant a possible melt down, and I no longer force myself to go through that.  I sent apologies and spent the weekend trying to forgive myself for letting them down.  In reality, they still had a wonderful day, and I managed to keep myself balanced and care for MY needs.

Knowing your body and mind and what you need is key.  Even with books like The Woman's Quest, every woman is an individual.  Ladies with PMDD know only too well that what works for one person, doesn't necessarily work for another.  The only way to heal is to work with your OWN body, your OWN needs, beliefs and values.  Observe and learn from your cycle.  Listen, fulfil your needs.

I will always be 'the odd one out'.  It is unlikely I will ever hold down a 'normal' job, this in turn can make life a struggle, financially and bring issues such as low self esteem, but I will find my way.  Society has very closed minded views on how we should all be.  PMDD, PMS, hormone disorders are still so misunderstood.  Women are expected to be like men.  They aren't.  Our cycles give us a full spectrum of emotions and energies throughout the month, they fluctuate.  One day, women might be allowed to utilise these cycle changes within society and the workplace, they might be respected for the different energies they hold within.  We can all but hope for this change, but I sense it will be a long process.  So long as women put up and shut up, do what they can to fit into a masculine society, we will never be heard.  Never be afraid to be female, and celebrate our differences.

Change your perspective, change your world.  It's challenging, it's exciting, but most of all, it can lead to deep healing to all women, and encourage others to follow suit.

Your womb is not the enemy.  Your ovaries are not the enemy.  YOU are your own worst enemy.  We have the power to create our world.  We have the power to stop making the same bad choices, to stop making the same mistakes.  It is possible to break the destructive cycle of PMDD.  There is no magic cure, but it IS possible to live with it, manage it and be happy.  I am living proof.

To read more of my writing about cycle awareness, follow these links:

http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/magic-of-menstrual-cycle.html
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/my-healing-journey.html
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/spiral-goddess.html

I decided to create a visual aid to help me understand my cycle energies.  For me, it really helped me to be able to SEE the cycle.  I created an A3 Poster.  If you are interested in the poster, please visit this link http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/energy-cycle-poster.html

If you are interested in reading my blog about PMDD, please go here http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.co.uk/

Keep Calm!

 

You can find more here http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2012/03/pmdd-posters.html